Category Archive: Fighting Fair

Jun 13

Series 1/11 Ignorance is never a Foundations for Conflict Solutions

When partners have not learned to be real with each other, a sense of dullness sets in. Here are our couple later in the week:male female differences

Priscilla: “So how was your day, Mickey?”
Mickey: “Oh, OK.”
Priscilla: “Wasn’t today the day you were going to ask for that raise in pay?”
Mickey: “Hhuuummm, yes.” (absently minded)
Priscilla: “So ….what happened? (looking out the window)
Mickey: “I’m waiting for a better time.” (Sidestepping her real question)
Priscilla: “Have you given up then….? (Voice raised)
Mickey: “Where we are going for dinner then? (Avoiding any further conflict)
Priscilla: “Why have you changed your mind then?”
Mickey: “Ahh, haven’t …..”
Priscilla: “Don’t you think ….”
Mickey: “Let’s not talk about this anymore.” (growing angry)
Priscilla:”OK, OK, OK” (equally angry but biing her tongue to stop the words.
Both walk out the door, ignoring the other.
So our couple continue down the path of resisting any conflict, afraid of the consequences. The fear of approaching anything meaningful follows their evening, despite the deepening feelings for each other.

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Mar 27

1/10 Learning from unsuccessful encounters for Conflict Solutions

ResourcesIn our last post, our couple ruined their evening out with unsettled issues. Let’s go back as see how the encounter could have been differently handled. Learning to see below the situation could have brought a good list of useful information to work through. Can you think of some of the points they could have explored to bring a deeper understanding?

Although being late was a valid reason to begin the discussion, it was trivial and not the real issues that were beginning to trouble our couple. The intensity and bottled up grievances were bubbling into greater and unproductive quarrels. They were both building up unspoken complaints about they other that would eventually drive them apart.

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Mar 24

1/9 Ignorance is never a foundations for Conflict Solutions

19conflict1

When partners have not learned to be real with each other, a sense of dullness sets in. 19conflict1

Here are our couple later in the week:

Priscilla: “So how was your day, Mickey?”
Mickey: “Oh, OK.”
Priscilla: “Wasn’t today the day you were going to ask for that raise in pay?”
Mickey: “Huuummmm, yes.” (absently minded)
Priscilla: “So ….what happened? (looking out the window)
Mickey: “I’m waiting for a better time.” (Sidestepping her real question)
Priscilla: “Have you given up then….? (Voice raised)
Mickey: “Where we are going for dinner then? (Avoiding any further conflict)
Priscilla: “Why have you changed your mind then?”
Mickey: “Ahh, haven’t …..”
Priscilla: “Don’t you think ….”
Mickey: “Let’s not talk about this anymore.” (growing angry)
Priscilla: “OK, OK, OK ….what ever….” (equally angry but biting her tongue to stop the words.

guidelines

Status update

For true intimacy to happen with a couple, the skills of verbal conflict are essential, especially between new b&w couplehusbands and wives. However, this must be a skill learned as no one is born knowing how to have a ‘constructive conflict’.

For most people, the idea of conflict is too challenging and sometimes, feared as being dangerous. However, learning to handle conflicts is essential for the long term health of any relationship. Interesting research shows that couples who learn to fight constructively will stay together – providing they learn how to fight properly. This is our hope behind this series.

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Jan 25

1/8 So what are most Fights about?

male female questionsThe first major reason for conflict is about INTIMACY: “How close I let you or how far away from each other we feel comfortable”.

1. The Boundaries of personal space. These boundary issues may include:

* Requests to respect the personal rights of your partner. Where is the line beyond which our identity is being ‘stepped on’?
* How much trust is being respected or abused in the relationship,
* A request for distance and space for one or both partners,
* A request for more ‘inclusion’ in the life of the other. How interconnected one is to the other,
* Finding the boundaries of independence, interdependence or co-dependence.

Jan 20

1/7 So our couple had to face the need to find Conflict Solutions

fidelity couple2Something clicked between Mickey and Priscilla. The first thing they really wanted to face was their difference. ‘Good on them!’ … as the Aussie would say.  After two heated discussions they booked into a great class on Conflict Resolution. The following posts are some of what they learned about themselves.

Steps to effective listening

Following are some ways Mickey and Priscilla resulted to face together. How could they learn to effectively listen to each other?

1. Listen actively – This means not just hearing, but becoming involved in the conversation. They began to practice these ways of assuring each other than they were listening:

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Jan 13

1/6 So why does Conflict Happen?

One of the main reasons conflict happens is the lack of Interpersonal Skills.

family or originFew people have been taught good communication skills. Very few people had parents who deliberately taught them good interpersonal relationship skills. We are not born with them but have to be taught them. Not many of us have learned good conflict resolution styles our family of origin, peer groups or their ethnic cultures.

Take a minute and Compare Priscilla and Mickey.

Family of Origin:

Jan 06

1/5 We want to focus on ‘Real Listening’ to resolve conflicts

Human beings are notoriously bad listeners. Those of us who like to talk don’t listen well. But even if we aren’t talking, we may be off in our own little world, fhead03listening to ourselves rather than the other person.  One of the first things we have to do to establish or enhance a relationship, is to listen well to the other person. This can be difficult if we haven’t been trained to listen, or are in such an emotional upheaval that it is near impossible.

Listening is a loving act.

Real listening means being interested in someone.

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