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Jan 21

4/17 Personal Worksheet on your Fight Style:

To help you identify your ‘Fight Style’, we present this extensive Conflict PROFILE Survey.  We syggest that you print off this page and take your time to identify how you really think and feel for both you and your partner, or someone you may be having conflict with around you.

Rate yourself in Column A.  Then rate what you think your partner thinks about you in column B.

Rate the statement on a    1 = “This is not true for me/partner.”   5 = “This is very true for me/partner.”

#

Statement to be evaluated:

A

B

1.

I tend to ‘keep score’ of the things my partner does wrong or when s/he makes a mistake in our relationship.
2.

I try to make sure my partner never gets the upper hand and never gets by with a ‘freebie’ wrong action.

3.

I could bank mistakes as ‘points’ about my partner for possible future use in our ‘discussions’.
4.

I never use a negotiation style to resolve our differences, so I never give my partner the ‘gift’ of being wrong.

5.

I seldom do anything to support my partner without making sure that he/she knows about it.
6.

I catch myself seeking outside allies, either family or friends, whenever we have a confrontation.

7.

I find that I do like to have the last words in our talks.
8.

I am quick to find and point out whey my partner makes a   mistake rather than let is slide by as trivial.

9.

I catch myself saying such things as “You should have known better.”  Or thinking “You should have helped me do this whether I asked or not.”
10.

I find myself using the works like “always” or “never” whenever we are taking about issues.

11.

My self-talk includes complaints about how I’m not getting what I deserve or want, or that it seems unfair to me.
12.

If I feel myself being criticised, especially unjustly, I tend to answer back with criticism about them or their actions.

13.

My main drive in trying to discuss issues, is to help my partner see that he/she has been wrong, rather than really listening to see   their side.
14.

I can find myself putting down or being critical of my partner’s initiatives or ideas.

15.

I do interrupt my partner during our discussions, impatiently   listening for a break in their talk.
16.

I see that I change the discussion whenever my partner is making good ‘points’ in their favour.

17.

I find it hard to end a confrontation until I get some agreement that I was right.
18.

If I don’t get the agreement that I was/am right, I find myself sulking or feeling like a martyr.

19.

In telling others about our ‘disagreements’ I put myself in a saintly, pious light, telling them of his/her unfairness.
20.

I have used guilt-inducing phrases like “If you loved me, you’d ….” Or “If you valued my suggestions, you’d …. “

21.

Raised, harsh voice, shouting, an ‘in-your-face’ confrontation, marks my way of ‘discussion’.
22.

My body language during fights includes such things as pointing the finger, curled upper lip, the ‘killer stare’, exaggerated eye   movements and so on.

23.

My comments during our fights include condescending, sarcastic remarks, to put my partner in his/her place.

24.

My comments can be full of insults and name-calling.

25.

I tend to use a lot of ‘you’ statements when I’m in an argument with my partner, such as “You make me ….”.

26.

I know my partner’s vulnerable areas – I can and do use them in my discussions on issues.
27.

I tend to regularly withhold that which I know he/she want or needs as a way of keeping the balance between us.

28.

I use intimidation, either physically, mental or emotional to manage my partner’s weakness or our discussions.
29.

I seldom listen to my partner’s suggestions without talking about why the suggestion will fail rather than how it will succeed.

30.

I feign confusion when my partner explains reasons for changing something in our lifestyle or relationship.
31.

I pretend ineptness over activities or chores I don’t like.

32.

Sometimes I use being vague or some illnesses as a way of not doing what my partner wants – or events that interfere with my plans for something that I know my partner doesn’t like.

33.

I often start sentences with “ Yeah, but …. “.
34.

I focus more on the trivial or superficial topics with my partner  than delve into deep issues.

35.

When we get to any real issues, my anger or mistrust disrupts the conversation and I then withdraw or shout louder.
36.

I often bring out the problems of other people as a way of saying what’s really bothering me.

37.

I tend to use defensive tactics when we get close to any real issues, such as changing the subject, denial, anger, or others.
38.

I can become defensive if my partner asks me directly if there is anything bothering me.

39.

If questions get too personal, I feel uncomfortable and manage to slip out from under direct discussions of the issues.
40.

I can and do explode with anger whenever my partner disagrees with me, even over the smallest points.

41.

I have a pessimistic view of life in general.
42.

My body shows the imbalance due to the stress in our   relationship, such as sleep problems or fatigue, headaches, etc.

43.

I have problems reading a book, seeing a movie or a TV show without finding something iit that reminds me of him/her.
44.

I can recite the pains, problems and imperfections of my partner and find I remember them constantly.

45.

I interpret many statements and actions of my partner in a   negative fashion based on what they have done in the past.
46.

Unless my partner asks for forgiveness or changes their   behaviour, I cannot give them release.

47.

I cannot forgive my partner for a hurtful issue unless I feel they have done enough as penance or humiliation.
48.

I can use shame or guilt for past hurts to control my partner into getting what I want.

49.

I can talk myself out of a friendship because I think that person is ‘out of my league’, or not worth my friendship.
50.

I fear others will reject me if my opinion is different.

51.

I find myself saying “I’m sorry” or “Thank you” unnecessarily or too often.
52.

I talk myself out of trying something new just in case I might look stupid.

53.

I immediately downplay any compliments I get.
54.

I worry about my gift being ‘good enough’ for others.

55.

I often use my partner as a measuring stick for what I should feel and what my opinions ‘should’ be.
56.

I have trouble expressing any anger I feel, burying it instead or excusing it away.

57.

I feel threatened by criticism so that my partner cannot tease or joke with me about my issues and mistakes.
58.

My most common response to my partner making plans is “I don’t know.  I don’t care.  Whatever you want to do.”

59.

I never talk about our relationship, my hopes and dreams for the future or my deepest desires with my partner.
60.

I am tired even after a good nights sleep and find it hard to keep my eyes open after dinner.

61.

I sit for extended periods of time watching TV or using the computer.
62.

I think I cannot do things because I don’t have the ‘will power’.

63.

My first reactions to almost anything my partner suggests is “no”, or “I don’t think so”.
64.

Anything involving risk is definitely avoided.

65.

I can’t stand emotional talk, preferring to stay in the logical or what’s happening to others.
66.

I answer “I don’t know” when asked about whys of my life.

67.

I can’t be bothered finding out why I am as I am, or how to change me.
68.

I have consciously accepted any dull pain as a way of life.

69.

I feel a regular sense of malaise or lack of energy.

70.

I feel I am just ‘going through the motions’ in my relationship.
71.

I often think “What’s the use! Things will never change.”

72.

I no longer even bother to protest when attacked or abused, preferring silence or retreat instead.
73.

I really believe that if I try and change, it will only make my partner angry or worse.

74.

I often feel lonely and alone.
75.

I have begun to turn to other people and activities for fulfilment rather than to my partner or our relationship.

76.

I express discontent with my relationship in hidden ways, such as being ‘ill’ or using pills or alcohol, or counselling as a release.

77.

I feel God has abandoned the struggle to help me as well.

Most people have one main fight style with other styles when they are tired, angry or just not getting along wilth others.  What was the main grouping of styles you find your highest scores?  This would be your main fight style.  Other scores reveal a secondary style or ‘a fall back’ position with facing conflict.

Evaluation of your fight styles:

If your score was in this grouping:

Your Main Conflict Resolution Style is this method:

Questions 1 to 7:

The Classic Scorekeeper style.
Questions 8 to 13:

The Fault Finder.

Questions 14 to 20:

It’s Your Way That’s Best.
Questions 21 to 28:

Using the Attack Mode.

Questions 20 to 33:

The Passive War-maker.
Questions 34 to 39:

The Side-Tracking, Using Smoke and Mirrors Method.

Questions 40 to 48:

The Question of Forgiveness.
Questions 49 to 58:

Thin skinned, bottomless pit of issues,

Questions 57 to 67:

You’re too comfortable.
Questions 68 to 77:

You’ve given up.

 

Adapted from Relationship Rescue, Dr. Philip C. McGraw, Vermilion Press,

London, 2000, Chapter Four, “Eliminating Your Bad Spirit”, pages 64-93.

We hope this woudl further identify your ‘Fight Styles’.  In our next post, we will lay out some general principles to think about when you face Conflict Solutions,

Susanne Fengler. Blog Author

www.conflictsolutions.mentorsnotebook.com/blog

        

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