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Jan 30

4/18 10 Good Principles of Conflict Solutions

The following comments have been learned over the 25+ years as a Teacher, Counsellor, Mentor and a married person!  Learn to identify which of these principles you need to concentrate on in order to have better communication skills in your Conflict Solutions!

1.  Learn to fight in healthy ways and at healthy times. 

Understand the why, where and when of fighting for both yourself and for your partner. True intimates can discover healthy conflict techniques to keep that spark alive.

2.  Contrary to folklore, the existence of hostility and conflict is not necessarily a sign that love in waning.  More often, indifference is the sign of deteriorating love.

3.  Do your best to keep all arguments fair and up-to-date. 

 Learning how to fight fair will enrich your daily life.  It is also the defusing the feelings that lead to aggression and violence.  Living with a phobia about conflict and aggression is inwardly destructive.

4.  It is usually inept conflict management rather than an inept sex life that causes most marriage breakdowns.

The inability to manage personal conflicts is at the root of the crisis that threatens the structure of the Australian family.  Atrophy, boredom, casual infidelities and false-front facades are signs of problems in intimacy.  Couples who are held together largely by the partners’ neurotic concern for appearances, social success, status, respectability or unfounded religious reasons often find the fire of passion getting dimmer.

5.  Learn how to trade views about your feelings while avoiding the injuries of uncontrolled warfare.

If an exchange of complaints is infected with the “ … here-we-go-again”, pessimism from a chronic, destructive round-robin fights, someone must eventually muster enough common sense to take the needle off the broken record.

Cleaning the air means “Will the real partnership problem please arise?”  Excessive patience does not serve the cause of realistic intimacy; neither does the lack of patience.

6.  Healthy fights can clear the air and allow more intimacy than before. 

Practicing healthy techniques allows better communication; there is no need to mind read’ the other when things are being shared.  Learn the value of healthy self-declaration.

7.  Some of the most intimate and shared discovery times are after a good ‘discussion’.

Mutual good will is important; fight as friends not bitter enemies.  Face every conflict with the willingness to hear the other, discuss and come up with a compromise that benefits both.

8.  Always measure the weapons in line with the seriousness of the particular fight issue.

“No nuclear bombs for ‘pea-shooter’ events.”  Also judge the classification of each fighter: bantam-weight or heavy weight, the lightweight dove versus the heavyweight pelican.

9.  Be aware of the inner dialogue about the fight you are entering.

It is easier to work through a small spark than to control a boiling pot.    Catch the inner dialogue as information for your own emotional thinking.  “Is this issue important enough to start a fight?  What is the real issue?  Lord, what do You want me to do?”

10.  Learn to spot and defuse the ‘Round-Robin’ fights.

These are fights that just go on and one and on, same old isues, same old ways to try and deal with the issues – fights without resollution are really battles that need to be resolved!

11.  Find the balance between maintaining a quiet that is not peace.

A quarrel free, emotion-packed environment is not true harmony and peace.  The only acceptable ‘win’ is when both partners ‘win’.

12.  Yes, we must learn to take each other as they are but welcome the opportunity to state the differences and work toward re-connection.  You can only change yourself.

Think about these somments!  Print them off and put them where you can review the one that most influence your style of conflict Solutions.  Then learn better ways to handle these conflicts because, remember you cannot elimanite conflict from your world.  It’s how you handle conflict when it comes that shows your maturity and growth!

Susanne Fengler. Blog Author


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