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Aug 20

5/25 Website of the Month – Marriage Revolution by Debra White Smith

Breaking Free from Your Family of Origin

Debra White Smith writes as an Author for ‘Marriage Revolution’, Monday, male female tug of warApril 07, 2008

Debra’s comments are based on the Passage: Genesis 2:20-25

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they shall be one flesh. Genesis 2:24 KJ

  There can be no cleaving without leaving. A husband and wife cannot fully join to each other until they have severed dependence on their families of origin. While connection with extensive family networks can be a great source of support and encouragement, they were never meant to be a controlling factor in the lives of a married couple.

    Many spouses are still as connected or even more connected to their families of origin as they are to their spouses. Clear signs of this are when one or both spouses excessively serve the family of origin and allow the family of origin to crash into their lives whenever and however they choose. There are no boundaries on the family of origin’s impact.

Whether geographically close or not, extended family relationships can be unhealthy to a marriage. This enmeshment may show up as an adult child calling her mom several times a day and depending on her support instead of her spouse. This often means the wife or husband is in second place to the mother. I’ve also encountered situations where sons place their parents before their wives, perhaps insisting that major holidays be spent with them.

Families, fellow church members, coworkers, friends, and acquaintances of all types are capable of damaging individuality. Families can be too distant and detached from one another, but they can also be too close. It may be hard to picture too much closeness, but closeness can be stifling. When individuals are too bent on pleasing one another, healthy engagement gives way to unhealthy enmeshment.

  • Each person has to know what the others are doing.
  • No privacy and no appropriate secrets are permitted.
  • Gossip is rampant.
  • People tell one another how to behave and feel.
  • People talk for one another.
  • People tell others how the others are feeling or what they are thinking.
  • One or more family members is overly controlling.
  • The family has a “right” way to do things and no other way is tolerated.

Before I heard the term ‘enmeshed families’, I had developed my own definition for these behavioral traits: a big wad of tangled snakes writhing together and biting each other. My analogy was based on the realization that such families are tangled in each other’s lives to the point that you can’t tell where one starts and the other stops. And they often live from one “biting” episode to another. Or somebody is not talking to somebody else at any given time. It’s a cycle of twisted, negative behavior.

    When extended family units are enmeshed, often individual families are also enmeshed because that’s themoney conflicts way the adults learned to relate. For instance, enmeshment happens in the parent—child relationship when a child is expected to fulfill the family’s choice of career. Enmeshment happens in marriage when the husband and/or wife isn’t allowed to maintain his or her individuality but is expected to mold to the other’s expectations.

    Enmeshed families often come together to create enmeshed churches. These churches tend to stifle creativity and stick to rigid traditions that aren’t Christ-based. These groups are more interested in defending their “standards” or traditions than seeking truth and living sacrificial love. They sacrifice individuals for the tradition.

    If you can see elements of enmeshment in your family, start drawing healthy boundaries. Put your mate and immediate family first. If need be, explain what’s happening gently. Get caller ID and don’t answer all the calls from excessive callers. Plan a trip away this holiday season. It doesn’t have to be far. Nobody in your extended family will die if you aren’t there, and your own family will be healthier for it.


Thanks Debra White Smith, Author, Marriage Revolution for this interest Website and Guest Post!

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author



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1 comment

  1. Sheila

    Thank you – for years of depression and anxiety I feel that I am addressing the root cause of my issues. Many thanks for the dedication, time and energy put into making this information accessible. It is really helping me.

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