Jan 25

1/8 So what are most Fights about?

male female questionsThe first major reason for conflict is about INTIMACY: “How close I let you or how far away from each other we feel comfortable”.

1. The Boundaries of personal space. These boundary issues may include:

* Requests to respect the personal rights of your partner. Where is the line beyond which our identity is being ‘stepped on’?
* How much trust is being respected or abused in the relationship,
* A request for distance and space for one or both partners,
* A request for more ‘inclusion’ in the life of the other. How interconnected one is to the other,
* Finding the boundaries of independence, interdependence or co-dependence.

By asserting your identity, you preserve it and continue to have impact on your partner, so that they will know and respect that identity. If you continually compromise identity, it becomes eroded and confused. You feel smothered. Then the usual reaction is to push your partner away in order to gain breathing space.

One of the important uses of ‘assertive leveling’ is to set a comfortable compromised distance between the individual lives of the partners. Each needs breathing room, enough elbowroom to move freely, time alone to refuel- otherwise a partner can change from a desired lover to a resented jail keeper. (Page 180, Paring)

2. Conflict is not always a destructive process

Everyone, everywhere, has conflict because everyone is different. Conflict is a necessary part of living. Conflict is normal, necessary and can be handled in a constructive way.

Many couples expect adaptation to just happen, because they love each other – but love is not enough. Often people come to relationship and marriage with unrealistic expectations – to be married AND keep their ‘bachelor’ mentality. You can’t stay a bachelorette and be a couple too.

3. Unrealistic or fairy-tale expectations

Often relationships start out as two single people in a married condition and this causes conflict. As couples grow, some things have to be sacrificed for the common good.

Some areas that may need to be sacrificed are hobbies, likes or dislikes, outside interests, people or activities. It takes some deliberate application for unity to happen. Since this is so, how do we allow the best in two unique people to also survive and thrive?

How can we encourage Mickey and Priscilla to remain true to the unique people they are by begin to adapt and change for a better relationship?

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author


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