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Apr 09

3/7b Five Major Differences between Males and Females

Hello again and welcome to our Guest post by Daniel Fengler.  In our last post, he began by stating that all males and all females are not the same.  Remember the principle of the Bell Shaped Curve?  It is very important when talking about the differences in Conflict Solutions and personality diffrences.

Join us now as we continue with our Guest, Daniel Fengler, Counsellor and Mentor for over 20 years.

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B.  MALE / FEMALE DIFFERENCES

1. Opposites Attract

One difference we see in the Counselling rooms is that traits in males do attract the opposite traits in females – that (like magnets) opposites attract.  It’s only when you start looking below the surface behaviours that we see this principle in action.

Males couldn’t be further away in their thinking than from most females.  Males tend to be problem solvers, while women are relationship oriented.  Males hold logic up as important while most females take their emotions into the issues.  Most men tend to be more self-centred, while most women are other centred.

These kinds of gender differences occur because God designed us physically different (brain differences: males are wired for 3D while women are wired more for relationships).  Of course, other influences are different with male and female ethnic cultures.

2.  Intuitive versus Rational 

Another big difference between most males and most females is the intuitive versus the rational ways of looking at life.  Intuitive people work a lot by their ‘inner knowing’.  They are often emotionally and spiritually sensitive.  They “know that they know”, but have difficulty putting things into words.  They need ‘space’ to express themselves.  Intuitives often need to just talk things out to help their understanding process.  They generally have more relationships, because relationship is a combination of emotional and spiritual activity.

Rationalists work on facts.  They work by ‘external knowledge’ or using logic.  They often do not respect or understand emotions or spiritual things.  Generally they have fewer relationship skills.  They tend to resolve issues, problems or conflics internally, or by putting the problem in the ‘too hard box’ and shoving it under the carpet.

The major friction between these groups is that rationalists (mostly men) don’t give intuitives (mostly women) enough scope to really explain themselves before the man either gets impatient, or cuts her off.

Another problem is that intuitives, not having ‘finished’ their thinking process can change the final outcome of what they are thinking.  This process seems to rationalists as though they have ‘changed their minds’ when the truth is they have only processed the information further (the same as a rationalist does internally).  That is why it seems the women have taken the “right to change their minds”!!

3.  Parellel versus seriel thinking

Intuitives often don’t consider themselves good at maths because the lack of confidence rationalists instil in them.  Intuitives often are thinking about more than one thing at a time, rationalists are very focused and seem to be ‘one track’ minds.  Most males can be very focused on doing one thing at a time while most women can ‘multi-tract’ and doing quite a few things at once – often not as well as the single focus male however.

Some indicators of parallel thinking might be reading numerous books during the same week or having multiple files opened on the computer.

One important lesson for all women to learn about single focus, single tracked males is the example of train stations.  Approaching most rationally driven males with an interruption will cause friction as the ‘train’ has to change directions and stop to listen to another person.  The single focus male isn’t mentallly ready to catch the other person’s interruptions as they are not ready to stop at a break.

The problem here is when intuitives approach the rationalist….they are not at a ‘train station’.

My wife and I have this ‘code’: “Are you close to at a train station so I can interrupt you with something important?”  Intuitives need to learn to not despise the focus that rationalists have.  Rationalists need to learn to move the ‘train stations’ closer together as they relate to others, especially females.

4.  Logic versus emotions

Fireworks often result when the rational person approaches an emotional situation by trying to problem solve rather than just listen to the emotions as a way of dealing with conflicts.  ‘Mr Fix-it’ crosses the line when a porblem doesn’t need a solution, only a listening ear.  The logical person always needs to validate the emotional person’s feelings, before the emotional person can be logical!

Again, my wife and I learned this very important lesson one year when she had a Specialist Doctor’s Apointment about an hours drive from where we were working.  Often the Doctor would be late as he was also a Court appointed expert witness for various cases.  One day he was one and a half hours late!  The waiting room was filled when his Receptionist announced that all appointments were cancelled for the day.

My wife was ‘spitting chips’ and very, very angry.  As she expressed her utter frustration and lack of thoughtfulness about the huge waste of time we had just spent, I very calming kept saying things like ‘Maybe he was just called away at the last minute.’ …or ‘He probablly had a very good reason for not being there….’.  Finally in her desperation at me not hearing her – that was her perspective – she shouted “So whoes side are you on…his or mine!!!”

At that point we saw the principle that who ever is the emotional one – yes males can be emotional too – their emotions need to be see to first.  Actually that means hearing and putting into words their emotions so they know they are being listened to.  Had I said to my wife “Yes, I am frustrated at the waste of time too!” she would have been able to lessen the emotional tension and come to a more logical place herself.  It was when I was trying to give her answers and problem solve in the middle of her emotions that was really adding more fuel to the fire…….than helping.

5.  Relationship versus Problem Solving

God designed female brains to be relationship/communication oriented.  Many studies have proven this form a scientific point of view.  Therefore female culture will contribute to sharing and caring as their internal ‘wiring’ makes it easier for them to ‘see’ relationship difficulties.  This adds to her primary nurchuring role as mother.

One way of illustrating this is the fact that women have a sense of smell that is more sensitive than men.  Likewise women ‘see’ more issues with relationships then most men do.  It is almost like most men see in Black & White and most women see in colour.  How does someone describe what colours they see in a painting to someone who can only see black and white?

Another problem is when males try to fix a problem by giving the woman rational advice, before the intuitive female has established relationship.  Have you ever had long talks with a female?  It is ‘food’ for them.  Many women feel betrayed when they get married and the ‘D and M talks’ stop.  They thought they were going to get fed like that for the rest of their lives!

Most men can’t relate to what is important for women.  …..and how does the woman get through to him?  Often men’s pride causes them to ‘close their ears’.  When this happens only a great deal of pain can cause the man to ‘get’ with the program’.

It’s only when males and females work together to balance these ‘opposites’ can a lasting relationship be establisted and grown.   Otherwise, the conflicts in these areas will pull people apart.

Daniel Fengler, Counsellor and Mentor

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Again, thanks Daniel for your Part two in Understanding Male Feale Differences.  Some of these good pointw will be further discussed when we talk about Communication Skills in our later posts. 

We will continue with Daniel’s discussion in our next post when we talked about ‘women being weaker than men’ and the big difference in the area of Sexualilty.  Join us then,

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author

www.conflictsolutions.mentorsnotebook.com/blog

 

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