May 22

6/34 Conflict Solutions looks at how to Establish Intimacy in Relationships

Conflict Solutions presents a Guest Post by Daniel Fengler, Counsellor for over 20 Daniel (2)years.  Here is some of his comments about building relationships, especially the one you want to lead into marriage.

“If I wanted to become friends with someone, how would I go about it?

  1. Gather information about the person

If I didn’t know them at all, I would gather some information about them from others.  I would poke around and ask mutual acquaintances some questions.  “Hey, Fred, what do you know about Jackie?  I think she is ******!”

If the person was famous, I would read all their books, listen to their music and watch their movies or videos.  I would read other people’s comments on them.  And I would read what they had said about themselves.  In other words I would gather information about them.

  1. Do Activities Together

To become friends we would need to do activities together.  We wouldn’t necessarily always have to have deep and meaningful conversations – like at the footy!  Some people (most men) begin relationships with shared activities rather than talk.

  1. Share Communication

I would want to have two-way conversations with these intended friends, some of the time.  There is not much point having a friend you can’t ever talk to.  We would communicate the important (and not so important) things of life.

  1. Establish Emotional Connection

As we started to share our feelings about things with each other, then emotional bonding takes place.  ‘Mushy’ feelings of fondness start to develop.  When our friend is absent, we start missing each other.  Strange things happen inside of us called feelings!

  1. Aim for any Reconciliation needed

All friendships have their ups and downs.  There are times when the relationship suffers and I need to be reconciled to my friend.  That means that one of us is accountable and says s/he is sorry and the other forgives.

  1. Build Physical Touch

As the relationship develops further, then more physical touch becomes appropriate.  We will hug, shake hands or kiss people we love or appreciate.

  1. Spend Time Together

Obviously, if we seldom talk and do activities with each other, then the relationship has little opportunity to grow.  In a growing relationship we need both bulk time and quality time together.  A typical example of this are some of the late nights some of you-lot experience, talking into the early morning with someone.

  1. Show Loyalty

It would be expected, as a friend, that when outsiders attack my friend, that I would support him/her.  As a loyal friend I would vouch for them, even though they may be guilty.

9. Learn their Love Language

Being one in Marriage – the Ultimate Intimacy

The ultimate relationship that incorporates all of the above elements is marriage.  It encompasses information, activities, communication, emotional response, reconciliation, spending time together, being loyal, physical touch and of course sex.

What if I did all the above, but the relationship still wasn’t working?  Then I have some sort of blockage to relationship.

Eliminate Barriers to Relationship

Sometimes there are barriers to developing good relationships.  I could be fearful of what they expect from me.  I might need better verbal or social skills.  I might not be emotionally free enough to share my feelings and thus bond to the other.  Some people have trouble identifying feeling, let alone sharing them!

Other barriers are judgement, unforgiveness, manipulation and control.

Sometimes, for no obvious reason, there just is no chemistry between two people.  We say “They are of a different ‘spirit’.”  Usually this should not be a problem.  Just like there are many kinds of vegetables, there are many kinds of tastes in food and in people.  Personally, I hate broad beans!”

I trust this has been helpful to think through your relationships and to build on healthy friendships you value.  Thanks Daniel.

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author


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