Aug 03

1/12 Conflict Resolutions asks us to Question the word ‘Fighting’.

1/12 Conflict Resolutions asks us to Question the word ‘Fighting’.

The first hurtle for honest conflict resolution is to question the word ‘Fighting’. Many couples resist the assumptions that this word seems to convey. It has been taboo or ‘gentlemanly’ to expose one’s true concerns. It is better to talk about ‘silly arguments’ or differences rather than face the real issues.

The word ‘fighting’ also makes people uncomfortable as images of aggression block true communication. Control of one’s anger is consider mature and so it is but at what cost. However, learning to express these inner frustrations is far more mature. Pricilla might say “Mickey I love you too much to fight with you. You know that by now.” Act nice no matter what your feelings has become their goal.

What is happening to their true feelings, the own needs to be honest with each other? How can this happen with false masks or trying to control the other to fit the image they have of a good partner?

Non-fighting couples reach frequent impasses in their relationships. These impasses or ‘no-go zones’ only add to the long term dysfunction of any relationship.

It seems to be a hidden barrier to resolving conflicts when people believe it is ‘undignified’ or even ‘unfeminine’ to openly discuss issues in a relationship. As a result, subtle behaviours begin to say “Peace at any price”! Sometimes that price is too high! Control of angry emotions is thought to be ‘mature’.

Nonfighting stalemates are rooted in the mistaken belief that intimates should take one another as they are …. rather than work to understand and resolved differences. The belief of loving each other ‘warts and all’ goes deep, adding to folklore and etiquette that ‘We do not talk about our problems!” …. at least in front of others.

More goes on behind the bedroom door that is bound to influence true intimacy. However that is another topic for another section in our ‘Learning to Fight Fair’ blog.

So is it possible to ‘fight’ and resolve conflicts and gain a true and lasting sense of intimacy between couples? Continue to join us as look deeper into Conflict Solutions.

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author

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