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May 17

6/33 What My Dad didn’t teach me about Romance.

Where do our ideas of Romance come from?  Mostly the movies, books and otherrejection_1 media give us a ‘rose coloured glasses’ view of what we think romance will be.  However, much to our dismay, often this view turns out to be just Hollywood.

To add the picture of disappointment over Romance, we are handicapped if our parents either didn’t show it or know what Romance was.  Again, this is another important subject for husbands and wives, for all males and females to get the right view of Romance.

For most males, this is a learned skill, especially if there was little evidence of such activity in their dads.

When most women love a man, they want to spend a lot of time with him.  It’s as though she wants to ‘miniaturise’ him and cart him around with her all day long.  For most men, this intensity would be smothering, so they find ways of being on their own, like fishing.  Keep in mind the following as we work through this section for Conflict solutions.

Here is a brief summary of what we call ‘The Romance School’

When most women love a man, they want to spend a lot of time with him. It’s as though she wants to ‘miniaturise’ him and cart him around with her all day long. For most men, this intensity would be smothering, so they find ways of being on their own, like fishing.

  1. Most Women are sentimental while most men are factual.

An example of the differences between the sexes is a cartoon of Tumbleweeds sitting with his girlfriend on top of a mountain. She sighs

She: “Doesn’t being up here among the stars fairly take your breath away?” He: “Aw, contrary, M’ Dove, the altitude unplugs my nose holes real good!’

Many men are so matter of fact, they forget that women enjoy intrigue, mystery and fantasy; these too are part of romance! The sentimentalism that women have is very important to their cuppa1emotional satisfaction. Any man that can learn how to stay romantic, will bless the woman he is in relationship with (even mothers!).

  1. Romance is a learned Skill.

Like most things with women, romance is not that difficult, once a male understands how. The object of romance is to give the lady memories that she can access when she is feeling down or lonely (often because of him!). As we have said above, she wants to be with her man 25 hours a day, but he cannot do that, both physically and emotionally.

  1. Romance is remembering the good times.

Romance is setting up an ‘illusion’ which is very satisfying for the female psyche. An example might be that the male wants to go (once a year) fishing with his mates on Saturday. She would prefer he didn’t, because she wants to ‘connect’ with him, after a long working week.

The solution? Take her out to a quiet dinner Friday, the night before, for a sharing time. Then she can have the memory of the good time they had, even if she can’t have his physical presence the next day.

  1. Romance is about Anticipating good times.

Another aspect of romance is the anticipation of a sharing time. Most men think that women want them to be spontaneous. This is true of course, but another one of those contradictions that cause men confusion. Women want both! Women want men to surprise them with loving acts. This makes them feel special (“You have changed the course of history for me!”)

On another level though, women want to anticipate good times. This gives them something to fantasize about and they enjoy their glad feelings. There is also an element of practicality to knowing things in advance. Women need to have the right clothes, makeup, organise babysitters, etc., for their adventure. Too often men are a bit too brash and impulsive.

  1. Keeping Promises is the same as Keeping Trust.

If a male is going to romance a woman with anticipation, he better deliver. There are few things as hurtful and trust destroying than a male who does not keep his promises. It might seem like a ‘little thing’ to postpone an afternoon cuppa, but the higher a woman gets her hopes up, the more she crashes when he doesn’t deliver. Remember, rationalists, it is not what the head says that counts here, but what the heart is feeling. A hurt heart does not care about the reason for its disappointment, only that it is.

  1. A Banquet – the Male sharing His feelings!

Have you ever had a long, long talk with a woman? It is a joyful thing, satisfying for both, like a banquet. Many men, before they get married, have these talks with their fiancée. When the guy shares his feelings with her, it is like ‘food’, a richly set table.

Unfortunately all too often, once they become married, the cares of life interfere with the long talks and she winds up ‘starving’. The woman had the impression that the banquet would go on forever and thus feels betrayed. It feels like they married someone who only appeared deep. In truth the man (usually) really is deep, but has lost the skill or motivation to share his feelings with her.

What can men do to Connect to their Female?

  1. Give women romance = Making good memories of good times. She needs to feel special through the event.
  2. She needs to time to anticipate the special shared event. Know her likes and dislikes, so you can surprise her. She will be touched you went out of your way to produce romance.
  3. Listen patiently to her feelings and express your own to her. Share your feelings; it will be a ‘banquet’ for her. Feelings to an intuitive are like food to them.  Listening patiently, until you are reasonably certain they have finished their thinking process.
  4. Plan things in advance, so they can relish the anticipation of a relationship rich event. The romantic event needs to be memorable (i.e. not ordinary),
  5. Always keep your promises or don’t make any. A woman likes to anticipate, but if they are constantly disappointed by a male, who doesn’t keep his promises, then they will stop trusting him.
  6. Help women to not be rejected when the male legitimately goes into his cave.
  7. Find out what touches your woman’s heart. Give her 5 ‘poker chips’ to give back to you when you touch her ‘heart strings’.  Find out the top three things that you do that bless your girlfriend / wife.
  8. Learn what it means to be a ‘head’ or servant from God’s perspective,
  9. If there is, or ever was, any ‘seduction’ (being pulled away from God’s purposes by a woman) in your life confess and repent of it.
  10. Get your ‘life’ from Jesus and pass on this Godly strength to your woman. Don’t suck it out of her – that is witchcraft.
  11. As Jesus instructs you in wisdom, gain your woman’s respect back,
  12. Make sure you meet her needs, not necessarily her wants. You will need God’s wisdom and a listening ear towards your woman to discover the difference.

One of the major areas where men do not know how to interact properly with women is in the area of emotional protection.  This area includes emotional ‘touch’ as listed above but more specifically involves respecting female emotions and listening to them in a non-judgmental way.

Men can facilitate the ‘protection’ of female emotions by letting the female talk until they run out of things to say.  Many females are ‘bottled up’ and need to release.  Husbands and boyfriends can help by letting them ‘chew your ears’ until they don’t need to anymore (ex. 4.5 hours).  Once a female has had a release and feels listened to, she will feel secure and won’t need to talk as much.

Men need to listen:

  1. Without judgment,
  2. Without trying to ‘fix things’,
  3. Without logical interruptions,
  4. By using ‘door openers’ that encourage the woman to share her feelings.
  5. By saying nothing! If the male doesn’t know what positive things to say, better to say Daniel 2nothing.

Start practicing these in your relationship and watch the glow in her eyes and her softness toward you! 

My thanks to my Husband for writing this material as a seminar he presented for males in our church community.  If you would like a FREE copy of his 5 DVD sessions, send me an email  at

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author

www.conflictsolutions.mentorsnotebook.com

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