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Jul 10

Conflict Solutions presents a worksheet on the book ‘Love & Respect’

Recently a great friend shared her notes from Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and his Love and Respectwife Sarah’s book Love and Respect.  Here is a practical worksheet to remember what the book explains.

 

“C-O-U-P-L-E” is code for what she needs!

ClosenessAm I always remembering to mover toward her and accept her need to talk and connect with me to be reassured of my love?

Openness Do I share my thoughts with her, and am I sure I’m not resisting her efforts to draw me out? Understanding – Am I careful not to try to “fix” her every time she talks about one of her concerns or problems? Am I remembering that she is an integrated personality and whatever happens affects all of her, especially her emotions?

PeacemakingAm I always willing to resolve issues, and am I careful to never say, “Let’s just drop it and move on”?

Loyalty – Do I constantly look for ways to tell her that I will be loyal to her forever – that she’s the love of my life, the only woman for me?

EsteemDo I always let her know that I treasure her and put highest value on her as a person? Do I let her know that what she does and thinks are important to me? Does she know I couldn’t possibly do without her?

“C-H-A-I-R-S” is code for what he needs!

Conquest – Am I always standing behind him and letting him know I support him in his work and endeavours in his field?

Hierarchy Do I let him know I respect and appreciate his desire to protect and provide for me and the family? What have I said recently to communicate this?

AuthorityHave I gone on record that, because he has the primary responsibility for me (even to die for me), I recognize him as having the primary authority? Do I let him be the leader? How have I helped in that regard recently?

Insight Do I trust his ability to analyse things and offer solutions and not just depend on my “intuition”?

Relationship – Do I spend should-to-shoulder time with him whenever I can? Do I let him know that I am his friend as well as his lover?

SexualityDo I honour his need for sexual release even when I don’t feel like it?

A women needs to know she is loved.  Use this code: C-O-U-P-L-E to show you, as a male, understand this.  See if you can answer “yes, I do” or “no, I need to do this more”.

Your Wife Feels Close to You When…

  • you hold her hand
  • you hug her
  • you are affectionate without sexual intentions
  • you are with her alone so you can focus on each other and laugh together
  • you go for a walk or jog; anything that results in togetherness
  • you seek her out; set up a date night; eat by candlelight
  • you go out of your way to do something for her, like run an errand
  • you make it a priority to spend time with her
  • you are ware of her as a person with a mind and opinions; let her know you enjoy discussing things with her and getting her insights
  • you suggest the unexpected; get takeout and eat on the beach; take a walk to see the full moon; park on the bluff and watch the sunset
  • you pillow talk after making love; lie close with your arm around her and share feelings and intimate ideas; and never turn on Sports Centre or Nightline  

 

  • Your Wife Feels You Are Open to Her When

*** you share your feelings, telling her about your day and difficulties,couple6

*** you say, “Let’s talk” and ask her what she’s feeling and ask for her opinions,

*** your face shows you want to talk – relaxed body language, good eye contact and so on.

*** you take her for a walk to talk and reminisce about how you met or perhaps about the kids and problems she may be having with them,

*** pray with her,

*** give her your full attention” no grunting responses while trying to watch TV, read the newspaper or write emails,

*** you discuss financial concerns, possible job changes or ideas for your future.

She’ll Feel You Are trying to Understand Her When…

  • you listen and can repeat back what she said
  • you don’t try to ‘fix her problems’ unless she specifically asks for a solution
  • you try to identify her feelings
  • you never dismiss her feelings, no matter how illogical they may seem to you
  • you say, “I appreciate your sharing that with me”
  • you don’t interrupt her when she is trying to tell you how she feels
  • you apologize and admit you were wrong
  • you cut her some slack during her monthly cycle
  • you see something that needs to be done and you do it without a lot of hassle
  • you express appreciation for all she does: “Honey I could never do your job”
  • you pray with her and for her

She Will Feel At Peace With You When…

  • you let her vent her frustrations and hurts and don’t get angry and close her off
  • you admit you are wrong and apologize by saying, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me?”
  • you understand her natural desire to negotiate, compromise and defer, and you meet her halfway
  • you try to keep your relationship “up-to-date” resolving the unresolved and never saying “Forget it”
  • you forgive her for any wrongs she confesses
  • you never nurse bitterness and always reassure her of your love
  • you pray with her after a hurtful time

She Is Assured of Your Loyalty When…

  • you speak highly of her in front of others
  • you are involved in things important to her
  • you help her make decisions, such as ones regarding the children
  • you don’t correct her in front of the children
  • you don’t look lustfully at other women
  • you make her and your marriage a priority
  • you are never critical of her or your children in front of others
  • you include her in social gatherings when others may leave their spouses home
  • you tell the kids, “Don’t speak to your mother that way!”
  • you call and let her know your plans
  • you keep commitments
  • you speak positively of her and the children at all times

Your Wife Will Feel Esteemed When…

  • you say, “I’m so proud of the way you handled that”
  • you speak highly of her in front of others
  • you open the door for her
  • you try something new with her
  • you give her encouragement or praise with kindness and enthusiasm
  • you notice something different about her hair or clothes
  • you are physically affectionate with her in public
  • you teach the children to show her and others respect
  • you value her opinion in the gray areas as not wrong but just different – and valid
  • you choose family outings over “guy things”
  • you make her feel first in importance
  • you are proud of her and all she does

 

 For your husband, use the code word:  C-H-A-I-R-S to show your Respect for him.  See if you can answer “yes, I do” or “no, I need to do this more”.

Conquest – Am I always standing behind him and letting him know I support him in his work and endeavours in his field? Your Husband Will Feel You Appreciate His Desire to Work & Achieve When…

  • you tell him verbally or in writing that you value his work efforts
  • you express your faith in him related to his chosen filed
  • you listen to his work stories as closely as you expect him to listen to your accounts of what happens in the family
  • you see yourself as his helpmate and counterpart and talk with him about his whenever possible
  • you allow him to dream as you did when you were courting
  • you don’t dishonour or subtly criticize his work “in the field” to get him to show more love “in the family”

Hierarchy – Do I let him know I respect and appreciate his desire to protect and provide for me and the family? What have I said recently to communicate this? Your Husband Will Feel You Appreciate His Desire to Protect & Provide When…

  • you verbalize your admiration of him for protecting you and being willing to die for early marriageyou
  • you praise his commitment to provide for and protect you and the family (he needs to know you don’t take this for granted)
  • you empathize when he reveals his make mind-set about position, status, rank, or geing one-up or one-down, particularly at work
  • you never mock the idea of “looking up to him” as your protector to prevent him from “looking down on you”
  • you never, in word or body language, put down his job or how much he makes
  • you are always ready to figuratively “light the candles” as EV Hill’s wife did when they couldn’t afford to pay the light bill
  • you quietly and respectfully voice concerns about finances and try to offer solutions on where you might be able to cut spending

He Will Feel You Appreciate His Authority & Leadership When…

  • you tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times
  • you support his self-image as a leader\
  • you never say, “You’re responsible but we’re still equal, so don’t make a decision I don’t agree with”
  • you praise his good decisions
  • you are gracious if he makes a bad decision
  • you disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids
  • you give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but you never attack his right to lead
  • you do not play “head games” with him to make him back down and be a “loving peacemaker”

Your Husband Will Feel You Value His Shoulder-to-Shoulder in Relationship and Friendship When…

  • you tell him you like him and you show it (he knows you love him, but he often wonders if you really like him)
  • you respond to his invitation to engage in recreational activities together or you come along to watch him (you don’t have to go every time, but just now and then will energize him more than you realize)
  • you enable him to open up and talk to you as you do things shoulder to shoulderrejection_1
  • you encourage him to spend time alone, which energizes him to reconnect with you later
  • you don’t denounce his shoulder-to-shoulder activities with his male friends to get him to spend more face-to-face time with you. Respect his friendships, and he will be more likely to want you to join him shoulder to shoulder at other times

He will respond when you value his Insight Do I trust his ability to pray about and analyse things and offer solutions and not just depend on my “intuition”?

He Will Feel You Appreciate His Desire For Sexual Intimacy When…

  • you respond to him sexually more often and initiate sex periodically
  • you understand he needs sexual release just as you need emotional release
  • you let him acknowledge his sexual temptations without fearing he’ll be unfaithful and without shaming him
  • you don’t try to make him open up to you verbally by depriving him of sex.

To Review,

C-O-U-P-L-E : Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty & Esteem

C-H-A-I-R-S : Conquest, Hierarchy, Authority, Insight, Relationship & Sexuality

Taken from the book: Love & Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs

 

 Thanks Elli for the tome and care you put into this practical worksheet!  In a nutshell – Males need respect and females need love.  May this help resolve those Conflicts where the women doesn’t feel loved because he guy doesn’t know how.  May this also help us women to show our continued respect.

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author

www.conflictsolutions.mentorsnotebook.com

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