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Dec 08

Welcome to our new series: “Fighting Fair in Love & Marriage!”

couple6This series is based on principles that arise in Counselling and Mentoring couples, learning and practising how to resolve conflicts. We use Biblical and Secular principles to help maintain healthy marriages.

… but how do we even get to this stage in a relationship?  It’s so easy to want to look and be the best for someone we want to attract.  The trouble happens when we step into someone we are NOT and put on a mask for the other person. How do we stay authentic and true to our self when we so want to make a good impression? … because someday, the mask will have to come off and then what do we find?

To help us see the healthy – and unhealthy – journey, we’ll be introducing Mickey, ‘the Mac Truck’, and Priscilla, ‘the Porsche’. How do they build authentic relationship – or not? Come watch their journey.carsH

cars2SDuring this series, we will discuss ingredients for successful couple growth, male-female differences, fight styles, conflict resolution principles, forgiveness and letting go of the past – all in a “hands on” approach.

As couples progress in learning how to handle conflict, we see a pattern:

“So that’s how they did it …… which affected the way I do it …… but there is a better way …… and I want to practice that way.”

This then becomes the aim and goal for all conflicts!

It seems strange to have to talk about communication at all. It seems so common place. The reason we must, of course, is because it IS such an important and universal aspect of human culture. We all communicate, but most of us don’t do it very well.

What do we mean by ‘communication’?

Communication is the transfer of information from one person to another. We can inform others of our ideas, emotions, thoughts, moods, spiritual condition, etc by sharing ourselves with them.

Communication happens when the message we mean is the message we say…and the other person hears that message. Here is a good example from my Facebook page:
“Wife texts husband on a clod winter morning ‘Windows frozen, won’t open’. 

Husband texts back: ‘Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap with a hammer’.

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

‘Computer really messed up now.’  “

(Thanks CYACYL.com)

True communication only unfolds when the message that is sent is the same message that is received. Most of us assume the other person has heard it the same way as we intended, but that is seldom true. Remember the party game when one person whispered a sentence and that sentence was passed down the line: “Money makes the green elephant swim.” How often did the original sentence come out?

Communication is the basis of ALL relationships

Many blocks stop that communication process from happening. What we mean isn’t always what we say or what someone hears. This series explores the most common pitfalls and how to communicate clearly others.

Many personal and domestic fights start over lack of communication; indeed many wars between nations start overcouple conflict poor communication.

This transfer of information doesn’t have to be just in verbal or written words. We can communicate with facial expressions, body movements, the intonation of our voice, etc. We will have time to only briefly introduce you to some of these other forms of communication.

In this series, we will focus on the communication skills necessary for good relationships. These are not skills we are born with, rather they have to be learned and practiced. The sad thing about most families is that relationship and communication skills are not taught very well.

Matthew McKay, in his book “Messages”, page 8 puts it this way:
“Your ability to communicate largely determines your personal happiness. When you communicate effectively you make and keep friends. You are valued at work. Your children respect and trust you. You get your sexual needs met.”

Fights are like campfires, they can start with a spark. Fires need fuel to keep going, but no experienced camper allows the fire to generate enough flames to burn up the bush or to get out of control. Put out the any relationship ‘fires’ you have started.

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author

www.conflictsolutions.mentorsnotenbook.com

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