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Sep 28

6/28 Being Comfortable with my role, my mate and my body

male female questionsSo what is there about sex that causes conflicts?

The ‘sex centre’ in your brain is located in the hypothalamus, which is also that part of the brain that controls the emotions, heart rate and blood pressure.  Hormones, especially testosterone, are released from this gland, stimulating the desire for sex.

  1. Sexual arousal difference between genders
  2. “If men are gas cookers, women are electric ovens.”  A male can ignite instantly and operates at full capacity in seconds, to be turned off just as quickly.  A woman’s sex drive heats slower and takes longer to cool down.
  3. Tim Pease, in his book ‘Why men don’t Listen and Women can’t Read Maps’, compiled the following chart on sex drives.  For most men, their sex drive peaks around 19 and falls in later life.  An average woman shows more interest in sex in later years.

Overall, most males have a higher sex drive than women, with 37% of men thinking about sex every 30 seconds.  A continual high dose of testosterone keeps his drive high, resulting in his ‘ever ready’ capacity.

     4. Sex good for your Health

Sex has been proven to improve your health.  An amorous interlude, 3 times a week, uses up 35,000 kilojoules, which is equal to running 130 kilometres in a year!

In one study (Pease, p. 228) researchers found the frequency of having sex in Australian couples (1997/8) varies according to age:

Age:            Frequency:

20’s         144 times a year

30’s         112 times a year

40’s          78 times a year

50’s          63 times a year

60’s          61 times a year

(Keep in mind these are averages.)They also found that 81% if couples claimed to be happy with their sex life.  Plenty of negotiation must be taking place to find this satisfactory level.

An increase in testosterone levels fortifies the bones and muscles, helps with cholesterol levels and produces endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers.  Such things as headaches, whiplash and arthritis improve with a good sex life.

Hormones released just prior to orgasm improve cognition, builds the immune system, inhibits tumour growth and builds bone strength.  Oestrogen in women is credited with helping build better bones and a healthy cardiovascular system.

        5. Sex and the emotional needs of women

Like most other areas of a woman’s life, her sexual needs are greatly coloured by her emotions and her inner thought life.  For her, past hurts, expectations, disappointments, heart lies and self-talk all contribute to set the stage for the activity (or lack) of sex.

Most women have great difficulty separating the event from her emotions, the act from her heart needs.  Stress and tension, emotions, monthly cycles, children’s needs, her overall health, will all influence her interest in sex.

Women often use sex to fill up her ‘emotional love tank’.  How true is the statement:  “A women uses sex to get love while a man uses love to get sex”.  Women need to understand that providing sex for a man is just as much an act of ‘love’, as a man providing for the emotional well being of his partner.

          6. What do males want from sex?

a. Sex for men is fairly ‘simple’.

For men, sex is far simpler:  primarily a release from the built-up tension of sex hormones.  For him, sexual release is similar to the relief felt when quenching thirst or hunger, or relieving oneself at the toilet.

He is also likely to release the intensity of his emotions through sex.  Conflict, dispute and triumph can bring a need for sex.  Men also use sex to express physically what they have trouble expressing emotionally.

Research shows show that any man who has a pent-up need for sex has more difficulty hearing, thinking, driving or operating heavy machinery (Pease, p. 247:  DF probably because he is thinking about sex!).

b. Women need more foreplay that men

A woman has the opposite need of arousal, to feel the build up of tension over a longer period of time.  Most women need about 30 minutes of direct foreplay before they are ready for sex.  But the whole day’s events can be a turn-on or turn-off for women.  Pease (p. 247) put it this way:  “He wants to empty; she wants to fill up.”  Understanding women’s emotional needs in sexual arousal can help men to become more caring lovers.

c. A Man’s self identity is often linked to his sex prowess

Just like women’s image of themselves is linked to their body image, so the self-image of many men is linked male female tug of warto their perception of being a good sexual performer.  A man’s measure of his ‘prowess’ as a lover is often related to her level of satisfaction.

Many men find it difficult to ‘perform’ adequately during sex.  They either prematurely ejaculate or lose sexual arousal.  It is important that both male and female negotiate the details of sexual activity, so that both are sexually satisfied.  This requires honesty and openness by both people.

d. Why are more men into Pornography?

Psychologists have discovered that around 80% of our sensory input is through vision (rather than touch, hearing, taste, etc.).  Therefore, men’s quick way of arousal is through sight and fantasy (internal ‘sight’).  Vision  is instantaneous, like his sex drive.  Seeing a scantily clad female does get the gas cooker going!

Satan has used the fact of visual stimulation to control men’s sexuality by displaying underdressed women in the media.  Pornographic images in magazines, movies, videos and now the Internet have all taken men’s minds captive.  Some of men’s premature ejaculation problems stem from being over stimulated.

In our ‘hypersexual’ era, most males need to learn to be more sensual rather than just visual.  Husbands need to explore the God-given sensualness of a female body with their other four senses.  Being less visual and more sensual would cause men to not be so quick and rough in their lovemaking.  Their wives would appreciate it.


Women need to remember that the majority of males have different timing, different goals and expectations then do females.  This explains their different thinking processes and behaviour patterns.  Few areas show up as dramatically different to females than the male’s attitude about sex.

fidelity couple2As a general rule, women want physical and emotional touch rather than just the intensity of intercourse.  The wife must take her authority to negotiate sexual details with her husband, who might just want a quick physical release.  Both people in the marriage need to have unconditional, positive regard from the other so that mutual growth in the sexual area can happen.  And that is Father God’s aim too.

There are many books written to help us understand male / female differences, including sex.  Again, the major point to remember is that Creator God gave married couples the gift of sex; it was His idea to start with.  Turning our differences into partnership is possible.

Susanne Fengler, Blog Author



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